The Chronicles of a Lost Nymph

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2009-01-04T18:11:00

2009-01-04T23:18:09Z

104.5 when I left

103 when I returned

All that anxiety over nothing :)

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-10-08T13:25:00

2008-10-08T17:57:04Z

1) What color is your house?: Red brick out front, white panel siding on the other three sides.
2) What color are your eyes?: Green.
3) What color are your socks?: Pink with little pink skulls on them.
4) What color are your lips?: Kind of a fuschia/mauvre pink
5) What color are your shoes?: I'm not wearing any at the moment, but the last ones I wore were dark brown.
6) What color are your nails?: Natural. I don't paint my nails.
7) What color is your hair?: Brown.
8) What color is your car?: "Champagne" - somewhere between gold and silver with some blue thrown it. It's a lot prettier than it sounds.
9) What color is your computer?: Dark, almost black, blue.
10) What color are your pants?: At the moment they're black.

Have you ever...
{x} Fallen for your best friend? No
{x} Made out with JUST a friend? Yes. Friends with benefits are fun.
{x} Been rejected? Of course.
{x} Been in love? Sadly, yes.
{x} Been in lust? Yes haha.
{x} Used someone? Yes
{x} Been used? Of course.
{x} Been cheated on? Yes, by two different men.
{x} Done something you regret? Yes, of course. I'm not perfect.

Last person...
{x} You touched? Myself.
{x} You talked to? My mom last night.
{x} You hugged? I have no clue.
{x} You instant messaged? I haven't IMed in months.
{x} You kissed? Can't remember.
{x} You yelled at? Haven't yelled at anyone in a while.
{x} You laughed with? Mumsy last night.

Have you/are you/do you....
{x} Considered a life of crime? Yep.
{x} Considered being a hooker? No. Porn star, though . . . ;P
{x} Considered being a pimp? YES!!
{x} Are you psycho? Not clinically.
{x} Schizophrenic? No, and I never want to be.
{x} Obsessive? Yes.
{x} Obsessive compulsive? No
{x} Anxiety? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH yeah.
{x} Depressed? Yes
{x} Suicidal? I have been, and I still have fantasies about it, but it's not as bad as it use to be.
{x} Obsessed with hate? No.
{x} Understanding: It's one of my downfalls.
{x} Open-minded: I try to be.
{x} Arrogant: No, I'm pretty humble. Just confident.
{x} Insecure: Yes, of course.
{x} Hungry: Yes, but hunger's a good thing.
{x} Friendly: Yes, but I don't come off that way.
{x} Smart: I'd like to think so.
{x} Moody: I have my moments.
{x} Childish: Not really.
{x} Independent: I try too hard to be.
{x} Hard working: Haha I guess.
{x} Organized: No...
{x} Healthy: Not even close.
{x} Emotionally Stable: No.
{x} Shy: Not really. Just quiet and uninterested.
{x} Difficult: I can be.
{x} Attractive: I have my moments.
{x} Bored Easily: Yes.
{x} Responsible: Yes, very.

Currents
{x} Current Clothes: Sweatpants, fleece zip-up
{x} Current Mood: Sore but relaxed.
{x} Current Taste: Garlic from this morning haha. I'm sure I reek of it!
{x} Current Hair: Wrapped up turban-style on my head (to dry it)
{x} Current Annoyance: My soreness and my migraine.
{x} Current Smell: The gummy bears in the bottom drawer of my desk....
{x} Current thing you ought to be doing: Some sort of homework....
{x} Current Desktop Picture: Dr. House with an X of band-aids over his mouth.
{x} Current Favorite Group: I don't like groups.
{x} Current Book: I want to start "Faust" by Goethe, but . . . I don't think it's going to happen.... I'm not feeling it at the moment.
{x} Current DVD In Player: Disc two of the third season of House.
{x} Current Refreshment: Water.
{x} Current Worry: Whether or not I want to go on the required field trip this Friday, or skip it for the class it would be making me miss since I like that class more.....
{x} Current Favorite Celebrity: Johnny Depp. As usual.

Favorite...
{x} Food: Pasta/Italian.
{x} Drink: Water, peppermint tea, berry teas, diet Dr. Pepper.
{x} Color: Green and purple.
{x} Shoes: Slippers
{x} Candy: Swedish Fish.
{x} Movie: Fight Club and Moulin Rouge.
{x} Dance: A mix between rap-video-girl, stripper, and retard lol.
{x} Vegetable: PEAS!
{x} Fruit: Oranges and grapes.

On preferences....
{x} Chocolate milk or hot chocolate? Hot chocolate MADE WITH chocolate milk :D
{x} McDonalds or Burger King? Panera's.
{x} Marry the perfect lover or the perfect friend? Both.
{x} Sweet or sour? Sweet.
{x} Root Beer or Dr. Pepper? Dr. Pepper.
{x} Sappy/action/comedy/horror? Horror or drama.
{x} Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese? Ew, Doritos....
{x} Mud or Jell-O wrestling? Mud
{x} With or without ice-cubes? Without.
{x} Shine or rain? Both
{x} Winter/Summer/Fall/Spring? Winter, then spring.
{x} Vanilla or Chocolate? Vanilla.
{x} Eyes open or closed? Open
{x} Fly or breathe under water? Both.
{x} Bunk-bed or waterbed? Neither
{x} Chewing gum or hard candy? Hard candy.
{x} Motor boat or sailboat? Motor.
{x} Lights on or off? On.
{x} Chicken or fish? Fish.

What's your favorite:
{x} Number? 16
{x} Holiday? Groundhog's Day
{x} Place? In bed or a comfy chair.
{x} Flower? White calla lilies and purple roses.
{x} Scent? I can't pick just one.

{x} If you could be anywhere, where would you be? Nice, France. Or Scotland.
{x} What are you listening to? Wife Swap
{x} Can you do anything freakish with your body? Heh no.
{x} Do you have a favorite animal, no matter how lame it may be? Hippos, polar bears, tarsiers, tapirs, and english bulldogs.

*Favorites*
1.favorite day of the week: Wednesday
2.favorite ice-cream: I don't eat ice cream.
3.favorite movies: Fight Club and Moulin Rouge.
4.favorite actors: Johnny Depp, Ed Norton, Hugh Laurie, Steve Buscemi
5.favorite actresses: Julia Stiles, Cate Blanchett, Nicole Kidman
6.favorite quote: "This too shall pass."
7.favorite song(s): I can't pick just a few...
8.favorite music groups: Queen, Evanescence, Matchbox 20, The Dresden Dolls, Rasputina, System of a Down, Garbage, My Chemical Romance, Glenn Miller band, The Andrews Sisters
9.favorite music singers: Christina Aguilera, Amy Winehouse, Fergie, Justin Timberlake, Serj Tankian, Rufus Wainwright, Marilyn Manson, Regina Spektor, Emilie Autumn, Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong
10.favorite school subject: Art, anthropology, and literature.

*When you hear ___ you think of..*
1.Baseball: Boring sport....
2.Jeff: My dad!
3.Dog: Ricky, and an english bulldog puppy.
4.Warm apple pie: Fat calories....
5.Socks: Warm feet
6.Fish: Shiny scales
7.Nail: Rust
8.Amanda: I know too many
9.Swimming: Ocean
10.Bologna: Ew
11.Giant Eagle: A really big predatory bird.
13.The number 69: Hehehe, oh, you know ;P
14.School: Stress

*Relationships*
1.boyfriend/girlfriend's name: Don't have one.
2.love: Don't have one.
3.where does that special someone live?: They don't.
4.things you like in the opposite sex: Personality and confidence.
5.when was your first kiss: When I was 17.
6.are you a virgin: Not even close.
7.the most romantic words anyone has said to you was: ...I don't want to think about that because they were all lies....
8.which is more important- personality or looks?: Both are pretty equal.
9.first boyfriend/girlfriend: Carl.

*Creative Q's*
1.If you had the choice to spin around the sun, or walk on the moon, which would you choose and why?: The moon.
2.What color do you think best describes you and why?: Green.
3.If you could be doing anything right now, what would you be doing?: Traveling the world.
4.Would you ever share your heart completely with someone else? I tried, and I got burned. Never again.
5.Which sense could you not live without, and why?: Sight. Pretty much a requirement for an artist.
6.Have you ever written on a mirror? Yes. So I could remember what needed to be done and by when.
7.If you could change one thing you did in the last 24 hours, what would it be and why?: Chew-and-spit.
8.Do you prefer sleeping outside beneath the night sky, or your cozy bed: Cozy bed.
9.What is the most beautiful thing in the world?: Love and security.
10.Name one person whose changed your life for the better: Mr. Randolph.
11.What can someone do to you that would turn you on fully - physically or mentally - I'd rather not mention.
13.What is one thing that can make you smile no matter what mood you're in? Talking to my parents.
14.If you could meet anyone, past or present, dead or alive, who would you meet and why?: Oh, too many people to list! They're all long dead and gone.
15.what makes you you?: Everything that doesn't make them me. Haha.

1. Have you ever spat on any body?: Yes
2. Have you been spat on?: No
3. Have you ever got drunk?: Yes
4. Do you ever feel murderous to any of your freinds?: No
5. Do you want sex?: Not currently. I masturbated last night.
6. Do you carry scissors with you?: No
7. Are your parents freaks?: Yes, but I love them anyways.
8. Have you ever tried drugs?: Yes
9. Do you treat your parents bad?: Yes, at times, but I feel bad for it immediately afterwards.
10. Are you ashamed of it?: Yes
11. Do you have a mobile phone?: Yes
12. Whats the number?: 944 5819
13. Whats your favourite alcohol?: Skyy vodka
14. Can you talk properly?: I can, I just don't.
15. What are you wearing?: I already answered this.
16. How often do you think about sex?: Not a lot.
17. What are you watching?: Wife Swap
18. Are you stupid?: No
19. Are you a loner?: Yes
20. How many times have you fallen off your bike?: I don't own a bike.
21. Have you ever tried self-torture?: No. Self mutilation is better.
22. Wheres the best place you've been to?: Scotland and Nice, France.
23. Is your country a cess pit?: Yes. I hate this fucking country.
24. Do you like arson?: No.
25. What sport do you like?: Swimming
26. Have you ever stolen anything?: Yes
27. Are you bored?: Yes
28. Are you going to finish the survey?: Yes

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-10-05T18:27:00

2008-10-05T22:28:02Z

Edit to my last entry:

Because the binge got even worse, I'm not going to eat at all tomorrow.

A cup of hot chocolate for breakfast.

A cup of hot chocolate before I go to bed.

Tea and water the rest of the day.

I'm so gross and pathetic.

Bet you anything I'm going to be 4 lbs heavier tomorrow.

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-09-27T14:19:00

2008-09-27T18:24:03Z

I've thrown out so much food today.

A whole bag of pretzel sticks
3/4 loaf of bread
1/2 tub of hummus spread
A full box of 10 100-calorie popcorn bags
3/4 of a bag of candycorn.

I need to stop binging. It's only because I'm bored that I'm doing it. Bored and anxious. I've put on three pounds alone since I woke up this morning because I couldn't stop eating, so I freaked out and started throwing things away. I may end up throwing more away. I'm not sure.

Tomorrow I HAVE TO do better, because I can't take feeling like shit like this anymore. I can't take not being able to leave my room because my schoolwork's starting to suffer. Badly. Albeit, I AM waiting for the paint to stiffen up before I go back and work on my portraits more, but . . . . still . . . WAY too much procrastination has gone on.

Tomorrow, do better. I have to. I will. I promise myself

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-09-07T07:30:00

2008-09-07T11:31:37Z

Comment to be added.

X-Posted to both journals.

2008-09-03T12:32:25Z

Once you have been tagged, you must write a blog with 10 random facts, things, goals, or habits about yourself. At the end choose 10 people to be tagged. You can not tag the person who tagged you.

1. I hate my body to the point that I have a hard time looking in mirrors, but I have no problem using it blatantly and truthfully in my art.
2. I've got a weird phobia that I'm going to find a dead body in the stall of a public restroom. I peek around the doors every time I go in to one.
3. I can't sleep in beds. At my parents' home I sleep in a recliner, and here at university I sleep on the floor.
4. If I didn't find such perverse pleasure in watching people spiral downward into self-destruction, I would have gone in to psychology instead of art.
5. I don't believe in religion, but I'm interested in them and the philosophical concepts they deal with. If I had to choose one to consider, though, it's a toss up between Buddhism and Judaism.
6. I thrive under stress and anxiety, which is why I'm so reluctant to get psychological help to fix my problems.
7. I was born on a tiny island right in between Russia and Alaska, and spent my preschool and kindergarten years in a military school in Cuba.
8. I really don't like the fact that I'm American, and every time I've gone out of country I've said I'm Canadian. I plan on getting out of this country as soon as I can.
9. I eat way too much candy, because it has 0 calories/grams of fat and the complex sugars are easily burned off. Perfect food for my anorexia.
10. My greatest goal in life is to become a wife and a mother. Everything else can go to hell, but if I accomplish those two things, my life will be a success.

...I tag whomever wants to do this.

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-09-01T16:59:00

2008-09-01T21:21:11Z

Some info on me, since people actually seem to read this journal:

Info
[] I am shorter than 5'4. (I'm between 5'8" and 5'10" depending on who measures me.)
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes. (Body Dysmorphic Disorder, yay.)
[x] I have many scars. (68 from cutting myself alone.)
[x] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo. (not yet)
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance. (Again, Body Dysmorphic Disorder...)
[x] I have/I've had braces.
[] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercing.
[x] I have piercing in places besides my ears. (bellybutton, and sternum someday I hope.)
[x] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life
[x] I've sworn at my parents. (It's how I tell them I love them.)
[] I've run away from home.
[x] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday. (2-3 preferably)
[] I've lost a child.

School/Work
[x] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job. (Well . . . for the breaks I do, not during the school year.)
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] I almost always do/did my homework.
[] I've missed a week or more of school.
[] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[] I failed more than 1 class last year. (
[x] I've stolen something from my job. (4 soup spoons, because they don't sell JUST soup spoons, no matter where I look...well, actually 3 from my work, 1 from Panera's.)
[] I've been fired.

Embarrassment
[x] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[] Disney movies still make me cry. (No, but I still like them, and I prefer the old-school ones over the new ones.)
[] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something. (Fucking balsa wood....)
[x] I've had my pants rip in public.

Health
[x] I was born with a disease/impairment. (Mental illness say what? And some sort of grown disease that caused pain in my joints until I was 15.)
[x] I've gotten stitches/staples. (Wisdom teeth)
[x] I've broken a bone. (The toes many times, and my ankle.)
[x] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
[x] I've had my wisdom teeth removed. (Only two so far, the other two come out ... someday.)
[] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.
[] I've had measles.

Traveling
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day. (From my house to my university it's 250 miles....)
[x] I've been on a plane. (Necessary to go to Europe, usually.)
[x] I've been to Canada. (Windsor, Quebec City, and Montreal.)
[] I've been to Mexico. (Don't want to.)
[] I've been to Niagara Falls. (Don't want to.)
[] I've been to Japan. (Not yet)
[] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans. (Don't want to, but I want to go to Carnival in both Brazil and Venice...)
[x] I've been to Europe. (Scotland, London, Paris, Nice, and Monaco.)
[] I've been to Africa. (Not yet, I want to. My parents are thinking about moving to South Africa...)

Experiences
[] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[] I've wished on a shooting star.
[] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas. (I'm in university, of course I have.)
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts. (Accidentally...)
[x] I've been to a casino. (BORING!)
[] I've been skydiving.
[] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.
[] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] I've crashed a car.
[] I've been skiing.
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've met someone in person from myspace. (Well, more like Facebook, and it hasn't happened yet, but will on Saturday night. He lives in the dorm next one over to mine.)
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[] I've seen the Northern lights. (They say you can in Detroit, but light pollution prevents it...)
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[x] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show. (The movie and live.)
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[x] I'm single.
[] I'm in a relationship.
[] I'm engaged.
[] I'm married.
[x] I've gone on a blind date.
[] I've been the dumped more than the dumper. (It's about equal...)
[] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I've gotten divorced. (I don't think the 26 times Stef and I divorced counts lol.)
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back. (Who hasn't?)
[] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.
[] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher. (mmm.... Brett Colley.... and now I have a crush on my school counselor, too.)
[x] I am a cuddler.
[] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[x] I've run a red light.
[] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime. (Can you be your own witness to the crime you're committing? Cuz that's how I'm counting it...)
[] I've been in a fist fight.
[] I've been arrested. (No, but very close to it.)

Drugs/Alcohol
[x] I've consumed alcohol. (And never again.)
[] I regularly drink.
[x] I've passed out from drinking.
[] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[x] I've smoked weed (It was stupid)
[x] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[] I've eaten shrooms.
[] I've popped E.
[] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[] I've done hard drugs.
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick. (What? They taste good!)
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[x] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic.
[] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I've woken up crying.

Death and Suicide
[x] I'm afraid of dying.
[] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying. (Watched my grandma get taken off life support when I was 13. Oh the mental issues it's caused!)
[x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide. (Well, I didn't know her at the time, but Stef.....)
[] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[x] I've planned my own suicide. (Yes. I'm still planning it. I want it to be perfect for when it actually happens, because it will.)
[x] I've attempted suicide.
[] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic. (They just happen to sell some ok things, but I despise the store...)
[] I own something from Pac Sun. (
[] I collect comic books.
[] I own something from The Gap. (I wish. Too expensive for me.)
[x] I own something I got on e-bay. (ONE cd.)
[] I own something from Abercrombie. (I prefer American Eagle)

Random
[] I can sing well.
[] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[] I open up to others easily.
[x] I watch the news. (well, read it online)
[x] I don't kill bugs. (I don't know who that is, or if that may be me in my next life!)
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower. (
[x] I am a morning person.
[] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x] I'm a snob about grammar. (I can be)
[] I am a sports fanatic.
[] I twirl my hair.
[] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[] I love being neat.
[] I love Spam.
[x] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day.
[] I bake well. (No, but I can cook. Yes, there's a difference.)
[] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue.
[x] I've worn pajamas to school.
[] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun. (Yes, but I'm opposed to guns.)
[] I am in love with love.
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts. (I have to considering I see and feel them...)
[] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[x] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class. (Go fucking Roseville.)
[] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[] I love white chocolate.
[] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games. (Occasionally if I'm bored.)
[] I'm good at remembering names.
[] I'm good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-09-01T12:03:00

2008-09-01T16:05:53Z

I've only been up for 3 hours and I'm already at my calorie maximum for the day.

I'm such a fatass!

My stomach is distended to pregnancy-sized proportions.

I'm bloated as all fuck.

I hate myself.

Why can't I JUST STOP EATING?!?

No food until tomorrow morning.

I hate myself! I hate myself! I hate myself! I hate myself!

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-08-29T19:46:00

2008-08-29T23:52:48Z

I went 50 calories over my limit today, and I'm freaking out about it.

50 fucking calories.

God, what's wrong with me?

*sigh* I'll make up for it tomorrow I guess. Just do better at not going over. Try to keep from freaking too badly since it was just 50. That can be burned off doing like, 5 minutes of walking.

And I only ate 450 for the day. Someone of my height burns 1450 calories just laying in bed all day doing nothing, and I've been walking a lot today and exercising and I'm going to be up late tonight prepping paper for painting and probably doing some of my woodcut. That'll burn calories. And I have to climb up and down stairs to get to my studio.

Why do I freak? Why why why why?

I popped 4 pills today because of the freakout. Ugh. I'm probably so heavy because I'm retaining water from not drinking enough. The pills dehydrate the body. What'll kill me first? Malnutrition, heart attack, or renal failure?

*sigh* Off to exercise more. I hate myself.

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-08-28T22:57:00

2008-08-29T02:59:28Z

What the mother fucking hell?

How did I gain 3 lbs in one day?

113.

I was 110 yesterday.

FUCK!

I'm totally doing this diet thing.

Hell, I might only do 200 tomorrow, just to counteract this shit.

I mean, I don't look horrible, my tummy is bulging.

Probably because I haven't taken those pills in a while.

I know things are "building up".

I took five tonight.

Going to make class hard as hell tomorrow to get through, but . . . I've got to do it.

To make this diet successful, I have to purge it all.

God save me and give me a reason.

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-08-28T15:23:00

2008-08-28T19:25:00Z

Alright, I start the 28 day plan tomorrow.

Because I'm a pathetically disgusting fat ass.

...I need to plan meals ahead of time to make sure this doesn't happen again.

400 a day, MAX. I swear.

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-08-15T19:41:00

2008-08-16T00:12:25Z

I binged today, but I had good reason to. I was so shaken up by the car accident I got in.

The car two cars in front of me stopped suddenly. The car in front of me, in response, stopped suddenly, and so did I. I didn't even hit the girl in front of me - at most, our bumpers may have been barely touching - but I was at a complete stop. Unfortunately, the guy behind me didn't have as good of a reaction time, and slammed in to me, which sent me slamming in to the girl in front of me. His front end got all crunched up. The girl in front of me escaped with only a few scratches. My car has a few scratches on the back where he hit me, but major damage to the front. I can't open my hood, my whole front bumper piece is cracked, and my driver side headlight was actually pushed back in to the frame. It's still drivable, and I'm perfectly fine, but . . . it scared the living shit out of me. So now I just have to wait for the claims adjuster to call to see if I'm covered or not. The guy I initially talked to today said I had NO collision coverage whatsoever on my car, which I was pretty sure my dad said I did, but we'll see. Because it wasn't my fault, I should have my whole car covered by the guy, since we both have the same insurance company.

(Funny little coincidences that came of the accident: The guy who hit me lives, literally, the next neighborhood on the other side of the city lines in Fraser, is the same age of me, is in the military, and thus has the same insurance company as me. The man who was filing my claim, when I told him the guy had USAA as well, filed the guy's claim for him, doing both claims at the same time. Just as weird, the adjuster who is suppose to call me, the extension to get her on the phone is the last four numbers of my dad's social security number, which is what I'm filed under for pretty much everything in the military world. Aren't those just trippy?)

To calm myself down, I went shopping. At Victoria's secrets. I'm starting to become obsessed with their Pink line, at least, their sweat pants. I bought one pair and when I saw what amazing things they did for my legs, I went back and bought two more. And I want to keep going back to get more! They're so comfy! Not the cheapest, but damn worth the money! And I actually broke down and bought a pair with writing across the ass - something I swore that I would never ever do in my life. Haha. All is says is "U Of Pink", and I bought them because they're in my school's colors, and because they'll be comfy for doing yoga or pilates.

But I feel gross for binging. I haven't gained much over the day, and my body isn't too bad looking, but I still worry anyways. Because this disease makes it so. *sigh* I just have to watch myself tomorrow to make sure it doesn't happen again. Eating more is good, but not when it comes in the form of a binge.

(X-Posted to both journals...)

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-08-12T20:38:00

2008-08-13T00:39:57Z

All I want and need is somebody to say that they believe when I say that they can trust me to do this recovery.

And I want so badly for that 'somebody' to be my parents.

It hurts so much that they don't have faith that I can do this.

Hurts so badly that I don't even want to try since they predict failure anyways.

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-08-11T21:45:00

2008-08-12T01:48:39Z

I never cease to disappoint myself.

Dear Cheyenne, please to god starve yourself tomorrow. This is just completely unacceptable.

This was one of those days where I wish I was dead. This has been one of those weeks that I wish I were dead.

I really need to make daily meal plans and stick to them. I'm going back to counting calories because 117 just disgusting :(

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-08-07T20:26:00

2008-08-08T00:41:06Z

Sunday I have to go to a picnic/dinner thing at my mom's coworker's house on Harsen's Island
I'm scared to death that people, especially the hostess, are going to expect me to eat
Which is ridiculous since she has a daughter who's more anorexic than I am
And she's use to it, obviously, and knows that I have the same condition as her daughter
I kinda hope that her daughter's there, too
As "moral support" if I feel like I want to eat or if I want to take too much
If I eat at all
I work for eight hours prior to the picnic/dinner
Which means I'm getting up at 330am
Starting work at 6am
Getting off at 2pm and out of the building around 230pm
And to the party by 330, and it ends at 6pm
Seriously, this has me scared

What has me scared more is that I asked my mom to make corn beef and cabbage
As a celebratory meal the day before I go back to college
And I know I'm not going to be able to hold myself back from eating a lot of it
Which has me terrified even though it's my favorite meal of all time
Ever
So I think I'm going to request a specific night for it to be made on
So that I can starve myself all day beforehand until dinnertime
And then starve myself all day long the day after
To counteract me eating a lot
But really, even though it's in the future and nowhere near realization
I'm scared enough to cry from anxiety

Doesn't help that my weight keeps going up and up all day today
115 this morning, and now 118
Probably 119 or 120 by the time I go to bed
UGH!
Why did I eat this evening?
I wasn't even hungry!
I did it because I "have to" eat "normally" more often
Bah
Smart One's beef pot roast at 630am
3 medium potatoes made into "fries" at 12pm
(I boiled them so that they were tender, but still hard enough to pick up
And dunked them in ketchup
Gave the same experience as fries, only healthier)
And two cups of Smart Start cereal at 6pm
I want to throw up because I wasn't hungry when I ate my lunch or dinner

I'm thinking of just eating breakfast tomorrow
And only eating after that if I'm hungry
Smart One's shrimp marinara for breakfast at 5am
Then Quaker Oats oatmeal whenever I get hungry after that
Or at 3pm
Whichever happens first
And that's it
160+180 = 340
That's reasonable, right?

Strange
Even though my behavior's pretty much gotten worse
Or at least regressed to at least what I was doing a month ago
I feel a lot healthier, stronger, and mentally balanced than I did back then
All because I changed what I'm eating
I'm eating the same amount of restricted calories
But all from foods with more nutrients in them
Instead of crackers and candy

*sigh*
I have to make a shopping list now for what I want when I go back to college
Which is in two weeks just about
Have to fix up my schedule as well
And get it ready for editing with exercise programs
I'm thinking yoga and pilates each week
(As long as the times don't clash with each other or my classes)
And 1 1/2 hours at the gym three times a week
Sound good?
I thought so
And cleaning the apartment every Sunday
Gotta keep busy
Keeping busy keeps me from eating
Keeps me from getting fat
Or binging
And thus keeps the anxiety away and keeps me balanced

...I can do this.

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-08-06T20:56:00

2008-08-07T01:01:54Z

What the fucking hell?

I originally removed him from Myspace and Facebook because I didn't know how we were going to turn out after we met face-to-face for the first time in almost a year, especially after the breakup. Removed him because I just couldn't deal with possibly watching him find another woman, either.

So I decide to add him back on Myspace yesterday, mostly because it was the first time in almost a month that I logged on to the site, and because I'm pretty much ready to move on from him. Actually, I've already moved on, and have made a lot of revelations about him and the relationship now that my head's been clearing up (thank god Prozac).

He denies the friend request, then sends me one with a message attached saying "I see you want to friend me. What the fuck do you want now?"

The hell? This coming from someone who, every time he texts me or talks to me, says that he still loves me and wants to treat me right?

I mean, if that doesn't say "Baby, I love you forever" I don't know what does.

God, I really hope he gets an STD. Syphilis preferably. Or gonorrhea. Something with open, festering, weeping sores all over his cock and sac. Or I hope he finally comes out of the closet. You don't give THAT many guys head and not be at least a LITTLE gay. . .

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-07-25T19:26:00

2008-07-25T23:34:27Z

Fucking period joy.

I hate my body. Bloated as hell, and feeling fat as hell. I'm hating myself because I overate: 1 package of those crackers they give you with soup and I split a tablespoon of peanut butter between the two of them, and then about 40 grapes right now. I feel gross, and I know I shouldn't. Actually, it's more of that I don't feel like I'm going to have time to burn it off, and hate the fact that I spent 8 hours at work today not being able to exercise and tone. I just really hate my body today. ...I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning. After 117 at 2pm today, that should make me feel better about myself.

And in general I just want to cry. Obviously Mr. P hasn't kicked in yet. I SHOULD be at Scott's party right now. That would make me feel better, even if I can't drink and have to stay sober. (Actually, I plan on never drinking ever again unless it's a special occasion: a glass of something on my birthday, or at a wedding, that's pretty much it.) But I'm in too bad of a mood to even go out and hang out with people that would make me feel better about life (note: not myself).

Stettner's looking around for information about how I can get myself an internship in the art world. A gallery, a museum, a society, or even an apprenticeship at a studio. Isn't it just awesome when doctors go above and beyond what you're paying them to do?

*sigh* I want to cry. I also want to be punished for some odd reason. WTF? How the hell do I punish myself more than I already am? I really hate myself...

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-07-16T18:55:00

2008-07-16T23:07:53Z

I told him I'd wait until April for him, and he said he'd wait for me. We're both allowed to start something with someone else, however, if they come along, but we're not allowed to actively look for them. Part of me wants him to have someone else approach him and have him get together with her. It'd be nice for it to happen to me, but I doubt it will. I've got to focus on myself too much to start something with someone brand new. It's alright for him to deal with all of this because, sadly, he's use to deal with me and my problems, but it'd be unfair to start a relationship with someone and have them enter this world of change that I'm going through.

He's finally getting treated for PTSD, too, and his TBIs. I'm glad. He needs it, at least the PTSD. There's a lot more going on in his head than just that, but starting with that will probably open the door to communicate everything else going on. ...I think it's funny that we've both decided to get this sort of help around the same time. Hell, maybe he can get his eating disorder fixed, too. That'd be wonderful, considering I don't think he's as well informed about his particular ED of choice as I am. Granted, I know knowing about my disorder and what it's doing to me is no justification for feeling better about having one than he does, but I am taking the necessary steps to monitor and prepare for the damage that is going to come later on. He isn't, and that's worrisome given which one it is. I'm honestly glad that he's getting help. Maybe we could be psych buddies ^_^

I can't wait until school starts back up again. I love my parents, don't get me wrong, but I want to be "independent" again. In charge of cleaning my own apartment, in charge of cleaning, in charge of my own schedule, in charge of worrying about getting things done on time without the help or reminding of others. Is it weird that I thrive under heavy stress? Honestly, it's harder for me to deal with stress when I'm having "relaxing" time during the summer than when I'm stressed out to the max during school. ...The feeling that I'm not be a productive member of society and all that shit. *shrug* The psych doesn't think it's weird.

Speaking of the psych, I know that it was completely on accident, but when I was in his office today, I sat on one of the chairs and he sat on the couch and, because he did, he was lower than I was. As in, our eye levels didn't match up and mine was higher than his. It was really odd because I felt more comfortable speaking to him given that I was in a more "authoritative" position than he was. Usually when you speak to a doctor or a professional, you as the client sit below them, or they stand while you sit. I know it's a stupid primordial psychological ploy to be excited about, but it made me feel more comfortable with him that he'd be "willing" to "submit" to me when I'm being so open and "weak" with him. *shrug*

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-07-14T00:39:00

2008-07-14T04:49:26Z

He has me so utterly confused, but I know in the end I'm just going to end up hurt again. I know he's just stringing me along. Everything feels fine when we're together, but as soon as he leaves he feels like it's all wrong. He's in love with the idea of "us", not me. He's in the love with the idea of "someone", but that someone isn't me.

That someone is still him. And I wanna fucking blow my brains out for it.

I honestly just want to be loved by someone. I want to be loved by my own self, too. I want to feel worthy of someone else and of myself. I don't want to feel guilty and shameful anymore.

The expectations I hold for myself and my life have always been set too high and too far above the achievable level, and this fact, as I slowly come to realize it, and realize the failure I'm going to have to accept, is going to slowly kill me. ...In a metaphorical way, of course.

...I shouldn't be allowed to type entries when I'm this tired. I get all depressed and shit.

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-07-13T15:06:00

2008-07-13T19:07:14Z

I have a lot to update about.

*sigh*

It's a bad sign when I don't have time to update my fucking online journal because it'll interfere with the time I want to use to exercise and plan out calories.

Yeah, yeah, we're getting help.

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-07-08T20:42:00

2008-07-09T01:54:37Z

Here's the long post that I promised, and then some. Points to be covered (in order)

+Coffee Hell
+My acquaintance with the fetal position
+The unspeakable than needn't be said
+The dame in the shining car
+When to admit you're human

Coffee Hell, also known as my day Sunday at Tim Horton's. Not really all that much to say except that I have amazing poise. I'm truly stunned by it some days myself. I woke up that morning with overwhelming feelings of anxiety and depression at the same time, so overwhelming at times that I thought about running up to the supervisor and asking her to let me go for the day, but I didn't. I just swallowed it all down and kept it all together. Put on a happy face! Oh and did I! I didn't even freak all that badly when Marnell took a huge scoop full of cream cheese and shoved it in my face. And I mean SHOVED. I got some on my lips and the end of my nose, and even though on the inside I was freaking and could feel my pores sucking in the fat, I kept it together and playfully flung a scoop of cream cheese back at him, and quietly wiped off my face. The only time I vaguely let it show through was when we were technically off the clock, but the supervisors were counting drawers, so we still had to hang around to make sure we weren't short. Knowing I was that close to safety and getting back to a sanctuary made me ancy as all hell, and I was literally pacing in the lobby until they gave us the ok to go, 15 minutes after our shift ended.

My acquaintance with the fetal position keeps rearing it's ugly little honest head in front of my parents, and really needs to stop. I don't know what triggered it, but after coming home from work on Sunday, I went and took my shower afterwards like I always do and, whether it was a culmination of all the feelings that I was holding back all day at work, or whether it was finally sinking in that he was leaving the next day and nothing still had come between the two of us, I don't know. All I do know is that I ended up crying a bit in the shower, and when I thought I had gotten it together enough to crawl out to the living room and curl up inconspicuously in the recliner (...well... let's be honest, my recliner . . . I think my conquest over that piece of furniture is complete and the natives, a.k.a. my parents, realize that my flag is now firmly planted in it so long as they own it), that little tickle in my brain started up and I just bawled. My dad was the first to notice and tried to talk to me about it, tried to talk me through it, but I couldn't talk to him about what was really bothering me, what I was really crying over. I kept saying, "I really fucked it all up." "I wish I could fix it." "I just want it fixed." "It's all my fault." and he interpreted it as me talking about my ED. ...Not quite, but we ran with it. It's easier to let them think that than what was really on my mind at that moment. I didn't want to disappoint them after all, not anymore than I already had.

After that anxiety attack, dad basically carried me over to the loveseat so I could curl up next to him while he watched tv and I calmed down. I ended up crashing for a few hours, and when I woke up my parents were having dinner. Chicken, with homemade mashed potatoes, and homemade gravy. I wanted to have just one bowl of the mashed potatoes with just a little bit of gravy, even though I did nothing to warrant deserving them and really didn't need them, but I reasoned it'd been forever since I had some of my mom's gravy, so I wanted some just to remember what it tasted like. Well, one little bowl ended up with me eating half the batch of mashed potatoes, half the batch of gravy, and both chicken legs and thighs off of the bird, all within about 10 minutes. I felt so disgusting that I wanted to die, but of course didn't voice this to my parents, just whined about how pregnant I looked and essentially cried in shame over what I just had done. My parents asked if I wanted to go for a walk, and I agreed, thinking that it would make me feel not so fat. It had just the opposite effect because I felt so conspicuous walking around feeling so fat. I could tell that the whole world could tell that I was getting fat, that the whole world could tell that I wasn't as thin as I use to be, nor as toned as I use to be, and that they could see the fat cells growing under my skin as I felt them. It was so bad that I could feel the fat rippling as the wind blew on my skin, I could literally feel the ripples spread across the body and I could tell that everyone else around me could see what I was feeling. And I freaked. I started to have a panic attack right there in the middle of the walk down the street, and my parents tried to talk me through it to get me home and get me somewhere where I could just let loose and not have anyone watch, but they just kept making those comments to me that always make me feel so guilty about what I'm doing to myself and to them that I want to die in shame. I almost did, too, I started to run out in to traffic, but my dad caught me, and I just lied and said that I didn't realize a car was coming and was just trying to get home quicker.

When I got home I text him that I wish he were home and that he were there to help me. He said he had been home for about an hour before that moment, and had come home early because something told him that I needed him to be there for me. Oh the unspeakable than needn't be said. He text back that his mom was taking him and his brothers to go see Wall-E and asked if I wanted to come. I said no because I was having an anxiety attack and didn't want to embarrass him or his mother in public if I freaked again, and that I didn't have any money to buy a ticket. In actuality it was because I didn't to be seen and judged by the public, and honestly didn't want him to deal with me while I was like that, not that hyped up. He told me to shut the hell up and that I was coming. He picked me up at my place and just let me cry in his truck on the whole ride to the theatre and I was calmer by the time we parked, and while we were in the truck waiting for his mom to park her car in the lot he turned to me and said, "Don't forget to smile." I know why he did that. He didn't want to have to explain to his mom why he wanted me to come. He didn't want to explain that he wanted me to come not just because he wanted to share the movie experience with me (which is true - he honestly did want to take me to see it and was going to ask me to go before I texted him about my freaking out), but that he wanted to get me out of the house, out of the situation, and in to the public since he knows that I have to suppress my feelings in public, and that always helps me calm down and focus. He didn't want to tell her so that she wouldn't get concerned, because she's that sort of woman. ...And I didn't tell him that I had already seen Wall-E a few nights before, and laughed at the movie, and pointed things out that I was "surprised" at, and talked about it like I had never seen it before. I didn't want to ruin it for him. He dropped me back off at my place where I picked up some things so I could spend the night, and drove myself back over to his place. His mom hung out in his room with the two of us for a while, and we both knew the she knew what was going to go on, which just made it awkward. It happened, as planned, and then we went to sleep until the morning.

I wanted to say so much to him, but I couldn't. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to tell him that I realize that it was really me that made it all go to shit. We're both as equally guilty in that we let it get this far, but I recognize the fact that I'm the reason why it became unbearable to him and he had to give up. I would have given up on it if I were in the same position, too. . . . . No, that's a lie. I would have stuck it out through hell and high water. But that's just how I love. With no self-preservation. I wanted to beg him to take me back and tell me that he thinks that sometime in the future it will work and he'll want to get back together with me. I wanted to ask for his forgiveness, but I don't know if he ever will. I understand his reservation and hesitation when it comes to even reconsidering me. I understand that when someone spends so long promising to get better as they slide further and further into a sickness, how you could lose faith in what they say and not believe them anymore. I understand why he doesn't believe me when I say I want to get better and I hope that me getting better will help heal things between the two of us. I understand why he believes that this is just another one of my lies, not a malicious lie, just a promise that will fall through. I can understand why he doesn't want to try, and why he was essentially just using me. ...And I got all that from looking in to his eyes after we did what we did.

It hurts. Not as bad as last time. Not as bad as the break up. But it still does hurt. I don't care how many times I hear it, "I love you, I just can't be with you." hurts all the same every time you hear it, no matter how much understanding about it that I've cultivated. It hurts to know that I opened my heart up a little to someone who doesn't really want to be with me, and to know that I'm going to treat him the same regardless of whether we're together or not, no matter much time has passed between us. I don't want to change it, though. It hurts, but I guess it really is better to just love someone and let them know that they're loved than to lie to both them and yourself about it. At least you're showing love, and being compassionate. At least you're being honest to everyone involved. It's going to hurt in the future no matter what happens, but at least I know that I did what I'm doing honestly and with my whole heart behind it, or as much heart as I can allow.

If I wasn't so fucked up, if I didn't have so many sins hanging over me, if I didn't live such a sinful and negative life, I'd consider just going straight-up Buddhist. But I can't because I know I'd never be able to cultivate enough good and love. I'm too full of the negative and loathing to be able to be a good Buddhist, to walk strongly down that path. ...It's half the reason I don't even try to find religion - because I know I'm not good enough to start down a path, not with as much sin and regrettable things I have hanging over my past. There's too much there to erase for me to be able to reap anything good out of this life or the next.

Anyways, moving on the top the topic of the dame in the shining car, I've proven to him that not only am I a good girlfriend, but I'm just as great of an ex girlfriend. I left him that morning pretty quickly because he only had a few hours left with his family and I wanted him to get family time in without my intrusion. Even as a girlfriend I was stressing him spending as much time with his family as he could, since they're more important in this life than any friend or girlfriend ever could be. He ushered me out pretty quick, too, but I think that's because his parents seemed ancy to get him alone and just be with their son. . . . even though his mom gave me a hug before I went. She actually made a beeline to me when she saw me first thing that morning and gave me a hug - and not just a two second hug, but one of those long, drawn-out ones, like she was comforting me. He had been up a while before me and talking to her, so I'm thinking he probably told her what happened the night before, but a little part of me wants to think that she realizes that his leaving hurts me just as much as it hurts her, too. I'd like to believe that she realizes that I'm not just using him, but that I hang around him so loyally because of the feelings I have for him. I'd like to believe that she understands, and I'd like to ask him if I'm right, but I can't. I just can't impose like that.

Anyways, I digressed. I went home and as I was up and around the neighborhood walking off my sorrows and anxiety, I got a call from him. I thought it was him being bored and just wanting to talk, since that's what he does when he's bored, especially since it's a long drive. I thought perhaps he wanted to say goodbye. But he was calling to tell me that he had broken down an hour in to his trip and needed me to come and essentially rescue him. And I agreed without even thinking about it. I'd drive to the ends of the earth if he told me he was in trouble, so driving to just outside the airport was no problem for me. I went and I got the things that he needed - hose clamps, 8 quarts of trans fluid, and a screwdriver - and handed over $50 of the $120 I had saved to pay for my citation to pay for it, and drove through rush hour traffic and heavy storms and stress-induced freak outs to get it all to him. I hung around while he did his thing, too, in case he needed a hand or needed me to go and get something else. I ended up just being the piece of ass on the side of the road that all the semis blew their horns at and made lewd gestures to. My middle finger got a good workout in the 10 minutes I was out there for him. He offered to pay money for the supplies and the gas I spent to get out there (and was going to spend getting back), but I told him no. I told him to buy me something nice for Christmas instead. In all actuality, I don't want any money from him for it ever. He came to my rescue the night before when I was in need of his help, it was the least I could do for him. And again, I'd go anywhere to help him. If he had called from Tennessee and asked me in the middle of the night to drive down there to help him because there was no one else I would have without a second thought. He's just one of those people that I would do anything for, and I hope he realizes that.

*sigh* Lastly . . . . I realized today when to admit you're human. That so happens to be when you're sitting with a doctor who wants to help you, and is willing to pull out all the stops to help you in the short amount of time that you have left to have those resources available to you. After today, after a few phone calls tomorrow, I will have my family physician, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and a specialized nutritionist standing behind me in this to get me better. I'm still not sure that I want to get better, at least, not the eating disorder, but I do want to work on the anxiety. I had one panic attack last semester because things got too overwhelming, and I don't want to have more of those. I can deal with anxiety attacks, but I can't deal with another panic attack. I can't deal with feeling like I'm going to die. I can't deal with wanting to die because I can't take it. If they fix the body problems while fixing the anxiety, great, if not, then I'm fine, too. I already realize that this will never go away, that ED is just one of those things that always exists even at a subconscious level, but . . . *sigh* Urg. I'm trying to stay optimistic and most importantly open to all this because I know it's going to be long and hard and scary and I'm going to want to give up. I'm trying to remind myself that it's all of the good, and to remember that I always have It as a little secret weapon in case I need to feel like I'm in control. Just as a crutch, not as a lifestyle.

There's more, but I'm getting tired, and I have to work on my commission, as well as exercise. I binged horribly bad, and I'm starting the rewards program tomorrow. Exactly two weeks from tomorrow will be the 30th, so that on the 31st, if I get all the points, I can get myself the reward. I'm thinking: 10 pairs of Pink underwear for $50, one new VS sports bra for $50, and maybe a cute business dress or skirt suit from H&M, or go raid the AE clearance rack. I'm thinking that if I don't binge and all that, if I stick to my diet and don't eat anything that I don't pre-plan, that I'll allow myself to drop $300 without worrying about it. This summer is going to leave me bankrupt, or at least very poor, but I'm trying to not stress, not before the school year starts, at least.

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-07-07T22:08:00

2008-07-08T02:08:10Z

I have a long post for here, but I have to update my real diary first, and find my old one (the one for the six months prior to when this current one started.)

I have my first psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, and I'm going to be upfront about my problem of lying to psychs and offer up my diaries as a way of being honest with them in ways I know I just can't right now. My reasoning is that maybe if he knows everything about me, he'll know where to hone in on without me having to direct him and consequently lie to him.

But . . . . before I update the diary, and before I update here, I have to exercise. I binged just now, and earlier today, and even though I'm not freaking out over it too badly and my body isn't showing it too badly (the stomach's grown and I can feel the fat getting bigger, but not like usual) I want to try and thwart anything that may happen.

July 8 - 31 is my goal for my "treats" if I don't binge and all that. So starting tomorrow. This is my "farewell" binge, but . . . we're trying not to think about that.

Longer post soon (hopefully).

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-07-05T20:49:00

2008-07-06T00:52:42Z

I'm about 123 to 125 right now. I binged, and it's not all that bad, but I feel utterly guilty about it. I popped . . . . . at least 25 different sorts of pills. And tomorrow I plan on eating only once. Monday as well.

And I was doing so well, too :(

Help really can't come soon enough. Is it Monday yet? I want to call the doctors and get these appointments set up. I need to stop this and stop it now.

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-07-04T16:44:00

2008-07-04T20:52:37Z

I'm crying without crying. I'm crying on the inside, as cliche as that sounds.

I don't understand it. I didn't binge. I didn't. I actually ate "normally." Spaghetti for breakfast, 10 oz of soup for lunch, peas and a tiny bit of spaghetti for dinner. But I felt so guilty for eating that soup at noon. 10 oz of Hearty Vegetable soup - 70 calories, no fat. I felt so guilty for eating that 70 calories. 1 cup of spaghetti with hamburger meat about an hour ago, and I followed it with a litre of water that I downed in about 5 minutes, and an hour of ab/core exercises. Now my torso is so thick and hard. Now I look at myself and see a thick body, and manly neck and arms. And I want to cry. Why? I don't understand. I'm ok. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't starve myself properly, not like I wanted, but I didn't do anything harmful though. I was normal and I feel so guilty for it.

Normal food makes me feel guilty. I'm so scared about my weight and body. I'm so scared about what I'm going to look like. I'm so scared people are going to see how huge I am and be repulsed.

I didn't binge, but I feel like I did, and that feeling makes me feel guilty enough to cry. I hate myself for it. Help me. Someone. Anyone. I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't feel this guilty. I shouldn't want to kill myself for this little slip up. It's not even a slip up and I want to die out of shame.

Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.

fugue_of_syrinx @ 2008-07-02T21:36:00

2008-07-03T01:49:27Z

3-7-08 Smart Dog Jumbo Veggie Link with Ketchup, Campbell's Chicken and Stars soup.
4-7-08 Smart Dog Jumbo Veggie Link with Ketchup, Campbell's Healthy Request Cream of Chicken soup
5-7-08 Michelina Lean Gourmet Salisbury Steak
6-7-08 Lean Cuisine Macaroni and Cheese with Ketchup
7-7-08 Lean Cuisine Sesame Chicken
8-7-08 Lean Cuisine Chicken Chow Mein
9-7-08 Lean Cuisine Roasted Potatoes, Broccoli, and Cheese Sauce, Portabello Veggieburger with Ketchup
10-7-08 Progresso French Onion Soup, Panera's Low-Fat Black Bean Soup
11-7-08 Lean Cuisine Macaroni and Cheese with Ketchup
12-7-08 Lean Cuisine Pesto Chicken Flatbread Melt
13-7-08 Lean Cuisine Stuffed Cabbage, Portabello Veggieburger with Ketchup
14-7-08 Progresso French Onion Soup, Panera's 1/2 portion Greek Salad
15-7-08 Smart Dog Jumbo Veggie Link with Ketchup, Lean Cuisine Grilled Chicken Primavera
16-7-08 Lean Cuisine Macaroni and Cheese
17-7-08 Smart Dog Jumbo Veggie Link with Ketchup, Campbell's Chicken and Stars soup
18-7-08 1/2 package Rice Sides Mushroom Rice
19-7-08 1/2 package Pasta Sides Stroganoff
20-7-08 1/2 package Rice Sides Mushroom Rice
21-7-08 1/2 package Pastas Sides Stroganoff