The Chronicles of a Lost Nymph

104.5 when I left

103 when I returned

All that anxiety over nothing :)

( Stolen Survey )

Edit to my last entry:

Because the binge got even worse, I'm not going to eat at all tomorrow.

A cup of hot chocolate for breakfast.

A cup of hot chocolate before I go to bed.

Tea and water the rest of the day.

I'm so gross and pathetic.

Bet you anything I'm going to be 4 lbs heavier tomorrow.

I've thrown out so much food today.

A whole bag of pretzel sticks
3/4 loaf of bread
1/2 tub of hummus spread
A full box of 10 100-calorie popcorn bags
3/4 of a bag of candycorn.

I need to stop binging. It's only because I'm bored that I'm doing it. Bored and anxious. I've put on three pounds alone since I woke up this morning because I couldn't stop eating, so I freaked out and started throwing things away. I may end up throwing more away. I'm not sure.

Tomorrow I HAVE TO do better, because I can't take feeling like shit like this anymore. I can't take not being able to leave my room because my schoolwork's starting to suffer. Badly. Albeit, I AM waiting for the paint to stiffen up before I go back and work on my portraits more, but . . . . still . . . WAY too much procrastination has gone on.

Tomorrow, do better. I have to. I will. I promise myself

Comment to be added.

Once you have been tagged, you must write a blog with 10 random facts, things, goals, or habits about yourself. At the end choose 10 people to be tagged. You can not tag the person who tagged you.

1. I hate my body to the point that I have a hard time looking in mirrors, but I have no problem using it blatantly and truthfully in my art.
2. I've got a weird phobia that I'm going to find a dead body in the stall of a public restroom. I peek around the doors every time I go in to one.
3. I can't sleep in beds. At my parents' home I sleep in a recliner, and here at university I sleep on the floor.
4. If I didn't find such perverse pleasure in watching people spiral downward into self-destruction, I would have gone in to psychology instead of art.
5. I don't believe in religion, but I'm interested in them and the philosophical concepts they deal with. If I had to choose one to consider, though, it's a toss up between Buddhism and Judaism.
6. I thrive under stress and anxiety, which is why I'm so reluctant to get psychological help to fix my problems.
7. I was born on a tiny island right in between Russia and Alaska, and spent my preschool and kindergarten years in a military school in Cuba.
8. I really don't like the fact that I'm American, and every time I've gone out of country I've said I'm Canadian. I plan on getting out of this country as soon as I can.
9. I eat way too much candy, because it has 0 calories/grams of fat and the complex sugars are easily burned off. Perfect food for my anorexia.
10. My greatest goal in life is to become a wife and a mother. Everything else can go to hell, but if I accomplish those two things, my life will be a success.

...I tag whomever wants to do this.

Some info on me, since people actually seem to read this journal:

Info
[] I am shorter than 5'4. (I'm between 5'8" and 5'10" depending on who measures me.)
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes. (Body Dysmorphic Disorder, yay.)
[x] I have many scars. (68 from cutting myself alone.)
[x] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo. (not yet)
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance. (Again, Body Dysmorphic Disorder...)
[x] I have/I've had braces.
[] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercing.
[x] I have piercing in places besides my ears. (bellybutton, and sternum someday I hope.)
[x] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life
[x] I've sworn at my parents. (It's how I tell them I love them.)
[] I've run away from home.
[x] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday. (2-3 preferably)
[] I've lost a child.

School/Work
[x] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job. (Well . . . for the breaks I do, not during the school year.)
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] I almost always do/did my homework.
[] I've missed a week or more of school.
[] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[] I failed more than 1 class last year. (
[x] I've stolen something from my job. (4 soup spoons, because they don't sell JUST soup spoons, no matter where I look...well, actually 3 from my work, 1 from Panera's.)
[] I've been fired.

Embarrassment
[x] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[] Disney movies still make me cry. (No, but I still like them, and I prefer the old-school ones over the new ones.)
[] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something. (Fucking balsa wood....)
[x] I've had my pants rip in public.

Health
[x] I was born with a disease/impairment. (Mental illness say what? And some sort of grown disease that caused pain in my joints until I was 15.)
[x] I've gotten stitches/staples. (Wisdom teeth)
[x] I've broken a bone. (The toes many times, and my ankle.)
[x] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
[x] I've had my wisdom teeth removed. (Only two so far, the other two come out ... someday.)
[] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.
[] I've had measles.


Traveling
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day. (From my house to my university it's 250 miles....)
[x] I've been on a plane. (Necessary to go to Europe, usually.)
[x] I've been to Canada. (Windsor, Quebec City, and Montreal.)
[] I've been to Mexico. (Don't want to.)
[] I've been to Niagara Falls. (Don't want to.)
[] I've been to Japan. (Not yet)
[] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans. (Don't want to, but I want to go to Carnival in both Brazil and Venice...)
[x] I've been to Europe. (Scotland, London, Paris, Nice, and Monaco.)
[] I've been to Africa. (Not yet, I want to. My parents are thinking about moving to South Africa...)

Experiences
[] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[] I've wished on a shooting star.
[] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas. (I'm in university, of course I have.)
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts. (Accidentally...)
[x] I've been to a casino. (BORING!)
[] I've been skydiving.
[] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.
[] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] I've crashed a car.
[] I've been skiing.
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've met someone in person from myspace. (Well, more like Facebook, and it hasn't happened yet, but will on Saturday night. He lives in the dorm next one over to mine.)
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[] I've seen the Northern lights. (They say you can in Detroit, but light pollution prevents it...)
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[x] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show. (The movie and live.)
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[x] I'm single.
[] I'm in a relationship.
[] I'm engaged.
[] I'm married.
[x] I've gone on a blind date.
[] I've been the dumped more than the dumper. (It's about equal...)
[] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I've gotten divorced. (I don't think the 26 times Stef and I divorced counts lol.)
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back. (Who hasn't?)
[] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.
[] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher. (mmm.... Brett Colley.... and now I have a crush on my school counselor, too.)
[x] I am a cuddler.
[] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[x] I've run a red light.
[] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime. (Can you be your own witness to the crime you're committing? Cuz that's how I'm counting it...)
[] I've been in a fist fight.
[] I've been arrested. (No, but very close to it.)

Drugs/Alcohol
[x] I've consumed alcohol. (And never again.)
[] I regularly drink.
[x] I've passed out from drinking.
[] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[x] I've smoked weed (It was stupid)
[x] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[] I've eaten shrooms.
[] I've popped E.
[] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[] I've done hard drugs.
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick. (What? They taste good!)
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[x] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic.
[] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I've woken up crying.

Death and Suicide
[x] I'm afraid of dying.
[] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying. (Watched my grandma get taken off life support when I was 13. Oh the mental issues it's caused!)
[x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide. (Well, I didn't know her at the time, but Stef.....)
[] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[x] I've planned my own suicide. (Yes. I'm still planning it. I want it to be perfect for when it actually happens, because it will.)
[x] I've attempted suicide.
[] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic. (They just happen to sell some ok things, but I despise the store...)
[] I own something from Pac Sun. (
[] I collect comic books.
[] I own something from The Gap. (I wish. Too expensive for me.)
[x] I own something I got on e-bay. (ONE cd.)
[] I own something from Abercrombie. (I prefer American Eagle)

Random
[] I can sing well.
[] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[] I open up to others easily.
[x] I watch the news. (well, read it online)
[x] I don't kill bugs. (I don't know who that is, or if that may be me in my next life!)
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower. (
[x] I am a morning person.
[] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x] I'm a snob about grammar. (I can be)
[] I am a sports fanatic.
[] I twirl my hair.
[] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[] I love being neat.
[] I love Spam.
[x] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day.
[] I bake well. (No, but I can cook. Yes, there's a difference.)
[] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue.
[x] I've worn pajamas to school.
[] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun. (Yes, but I'm opposed to guns.)
[] I am in love with love.
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts. (I have to considering I see and feel them...)
[] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[x] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class. (Go fucking Roseville.)
[] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[] I love white chocolate.
[] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games. (Occasionally if I'm bored.)
[] I'm good at remembering names.
[] I'm good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I've only been up for 3 hours and I'm already at my calorie maximum for the day.

I'm such a fatass!

My stomach is distended to pregnancy-sized proportions.

I'm bloated as all fuck.

I hate myself.

Why can't I JUST STOP EATING?!?

No food until tomorrow morning.

I hate myself! I hate myself! I hate myself! I hate myself!

I went 50 calories over my limit today, and I'm freaking out about it.

50 fucking calories.

God, what's wrong with me?

*sigh* I'll make up for it tomorrow I guess. Just do better at not going over. Try to keep from freaking too badly since it was just 50. That can be burned off doing like, 5 minutes of walking.

And I only ate 450 for the day. Someone of my height burns 1450 calories just laying in bed all day doing nothing, and I've been walking a lot today and exercising and I'm going to be up late tonight prepping paper for painting and probably doing some of my woodcut. That'll burn calories. And I have to climb up and down stairs to get to my studio.

Why do I freak? Why why why why?

I popped 4 pills today because of the freakout. Ugh. I'm probably so heavy because I'm retaining water from not drinking enough. The pills dehydrate the body. What'll kill me first? Malnutrition, heart attack, or renal failure?

*sigh* Off to exercise more. I hate myself.

What the mother fucking hell?

How did I gain 3 lbs in one day?

113.

I was 110 yesterday.

FUCK!

I'm totally doing this diet thing.

Hell, I might only do 200 tomorrow, just to counteract this shit.

I mean, I don't look horrible, my tummy is bulging.

Probably because I haven't taken those pills in a while.

I know things are "building up".

I took five tonight.

Going to make class hard as hell tomorrow to get through, but . . . I've got to do it.

To make this diet successful, I have to purge it all.

God save me and give me a reason.

Alright, I start the 28 day plan tomorrow.

Because I'm a pathetically disgusting fat ass.

...I need to plan meals ahead of time to make sure this doesn't happen again.

400 a day, MAX. I swear.

I binged today, but I had good reason to. I was so shaken up by the car accident I got in.

The car two cars in front of me stopped suddenly. The car in front of me, in response, stopped suddenly, and so did I. I didn't even hit the girl in front of me - at most, our bumpers may have been barely touching - but I was at a complete stop. Unfortunately, the guy behind me didn't have as good of a reaction time, and slammed in to me, which sent me slamming in to the girl in front of me. His front end got all crunched up. The girl in front of me escaped with only a few scratches. My car has a few scratches on the back where he hit me, but major damage to the front. I can't open my hood, my whole front bumper piece is cracked, and my driver side headlight was actually pushed back in to the frame. It's still drivable, and I'm perfectly fine, but . . . it scared the living shit out of me. So now I just have to wait for the claims adjuster to call to see if I'm covered or not. The guy I initially talked to today said I had NO collision coverage whatsoever on my car, which I was pretty sure my dad said I did, but we'll see. Because it wasn't my fault, I should have my whole car covered by the guy, since we both have the same insurance company.

(Funny little coincidences that came of the accident: The guy who hit me lives, literally, the next neighborhood on the other side of the city lines in Fraser, is the same age of me, is in the military, and thus has the same insurance company as me. The man who was filing my claim, when I told him the guy had USAA as well, filed the guy's claim for him, doing both claims at the same time. Just as weird, the adjuster who is suppose to call me, the extension to get her on the phone is the last four numbers of my dad's social security number, which is what I'm filed under for pretty much everything in the military world. Aren't those just trippy?)

To calm myself down, I went shopping. At Victoria's secrets. I'm starting to become obsessed with their Pink line, at least, their sweat pants. I bought one pair and when I saw what amazing things they did for my legs, I went back and bought two more. And I want to keep going back to get more! They're so comfy! Not the cheapest, but damn worth the money! And I actually broke down and bought a pair with writing across the ass - something I swore that I would never ever do in my life. Haha. All is says is "U Of Pink", and I bought them because they're in my school's colors, and because they'll be comfy for doing yoga or pilates.

But I feel gross for binging. I haven't gained much over the day, and my body isn't too bad looking, but I still worry anyways. Because this disease makes it so. *sigh* I just have to watch myself tomorrow to make sure it doesn't happen again. Eating more is good, but not when it comes in the form of a binge.

(X-Posted to both journals...)

All I want and need is somebody to say that they believe when I say that they can trust me to do this recovery.

And I want so badly for that 'somebody' to be my parents.

It hurts so much that they don't have faith that I can do this.

Hurts so badly that I don't even want to try since they predict failure anyways.

I never cease to disappoint myself.

Dear Cheyenne, please to god starve yourself tomorrow. This is just completely unacceptable.

This was one of those days where I wish I was dead. This has been one of those weeks that I wish I were dead.

I really need to make daily meal plans and stick to them. I'm going back to counting calories because 117 just disgusting :(

Sunday I have to go to a picnic/dinner thing at my mom's coworker's house on Harsen's Island
I'm scared to death that people, especially the hostess, are going to expect me to eat
Which is ridiculous since she has a daughter who's more anorexic than I am
And she's use to it, obviously, and knows that I have the same condition as her daughter
I kinda hope that her daughter's there, too
As "moral support" if I feel like I want to eat or if I want to take too much
If I eat at all
I work for eight hours prior to the picnic/dinner
Which means I'm getting up at 330am
Starting work at 6am
Getting off at 2pm and out of the building around 230pm
And to the party by 330, and it ends at 6pm
Seriously, this has me scared

What has me scared more is that I asked my mom to make corn beef and cabbage
As a celebratory meal the day before I go back to college
And I know I'm not going to be able to hold myself back from eating a lot of it
Which has me terrified even though it's my favorite meal of all time
Ever
So I think I'm going to request a specific night for it to be made on
So that I can starve myself all day beforehand until dinnertime
And then starve myself all day long the day after
To counteract me eating a lot
But really, even though it's in the future and nowhere near realization
I'm scared enough to cry from anxiety

Doesn't help that my weight keeps going up and up all day today
115 this morning, and now 118
Probably 119 or 120 by the time I go to bed
UGH!
Why did I eat this evening?
I wasn't even hungry!
I did it because I "have to" eat "normally" more often
Bah
Smart One's beef pot roast at 630am
3 medium potatoes made into "fries" at 12pm
(I boiled them so that they were tender, but still hard enough to pick up
And dunked them in ketchup
Gave the same experience as fries, only healthier)
And two cups of Smart Start cereal at 6pm
I want to throw up because I wasn't hungry when I ate my lunch or dinner

I'm thinking of just eating breakfast tomorrow
And only eating after that if I'm hungry
Smart One's shrimp marinara for breakfast at 5am
Then Quaker Oats oatmeal whenever I get hungry after that
Or at 3pm
Whichever happens first
And that's it
160+180 = 340
That's reasonable, right?

Strange
Even though my behavior's pretty much gotten worse
Or at least regressed to at least what I was doing a month ago
I feel a lot healthier, stronger, and mentally balanced than I did back then
All because I changed what I'm eating
I'm eating the same amount of restricted calories
But all from foods with more nutrients in them
Instead of crackers and candy

*sigh*
I have to make a shopping list now for what I want when I go back to college
Which is in two weeks just about
Have to fix up my schedule as well
And get it ready for editing with exercise programs
I'm thinking yoga and pilates each week
(As long as the times don't clash with each other or my classes)
And 1 1/2 hours at the gym three times a week
Sound good?
I thought so
And cleaning the apartment every Sunday
Gotta keep busy
Keeping busy keeps me from eating
Keeps me from getting fat
Or binging
And thus keeps the anxiety away and keeps me balanced

...I can do this.

What the fucking hell?

I originally removed him from Myspace and Facebook because I didn't know how we were going to turn out after we met face-to-face for the first time in almost a year, especially after the breakup. Removed him because I just couldn't deal with possibly watching him find another woman, either.

So I decide to add him back on Myspace yesterday, mostly because it was the first time in almost a month that I logged on to the site, and because I'm pretty much ready to move on from him. Actually, I've already moved on, and have made a lot of revelations about him and the relationship now that my head's been clearing up (thank god Prozac).

He denies the friend request, then sends me one with a message attached saying "I see you want to friend me. What the fuck do you want now?"

The hell? This coming from someone who, every time he texts me or talks to me, says that he still loves me and wants to treat me right?

I mean, if that doesn't say "Baby, I love you forever" I don't know what does.

God, I really hope he gets an STD. Syphilis preferably. Or gonorrhea. Something with open, festering, weeping sores all over his cock and sac. Or I hope he finally comes out of the closet. You don't give THAT many guys head and not be at least a LITTLE gay. . .

Fucking period joy.

I hate my body. Bloated as hell, and feeling fat as hell. I'm hating myself because I overate: 1 package of those crackers they give you with soup and I split a tablespoon of peanut butter between the two of them, and then about 40 grapes right now. I feel gross, and I know I shouldn't. Actually, it's more of that I don't feel like I'm going to have time to burn it off, and hate the fact that I spent 8 hours at work today not being able to exercise and tone. I just really hate my body today. ...I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning. After 117 at 2pm today, that should make me feel better about myself.

And in general I just want to cry. Obviously Mr. P hasn't kicked in yet. I SHOULD be at Scott's party right now. That would make me feel better, even if I can't drink and have to stay sober. (Actually, I plan on never drinking ever again unless it's a special occasion: a glass of something on my birthday, or at a wedding, that's pretty much it.) But I'm in too bad of a mood to even go out and hang out with people that would make me feel better about life (note: not myself).

Stettner's looking around for information about how I can get myself an internship in the art world. A gallery, a museum, a society, or even an apprenticeship at a studio. Isn't it just awesome when doctors go above and beyond what you're paying them to do?

*sigh* I want to cry. I also want to be punished for some odd reason. WTF? How the hell do I punish myself more than I already am? I really hate myself...

I told him I'd wait until April for him, and he said he'd wait for me. We're both allowed to start something with someone else, however, if they come along, but we're not allowed to actively look for them. Part of me wants him to have someone else approach him and have him get together with her. It'd be nice for it to happen to me, but I doubt it will. I've got to focus on myself too much to start something with someone brand new. It's alright for him to deal with all of this because, sadly, he's use to deal with me and my problems, but it'd be unfair to start a relationship with someone and have them enter this world of change that I'm going through.

He's finally getting treated for PTSD, too, and his TBIs. I'm glad. He needs it, at least the PTSD. There's a lot more going on in his head than just that, but starting with that will probably open the door to communicate everything else going on. ...I think it's funny that we've both decided to get this sort of help around the same time. Hell, maybe he can get his eating disorder fixed, too. That'd be wonderful, considering I don't think he's as well informed about his particular ED of choice as I am. Granted, I know knowing about my disorder and what it's doing to me is no justification for feeling better about having one than he does, but I am taking the necessary steps to monitor and prepare for the damage that is going to come later on. He isn't, and that's worrisome given which one it is. I'm honestly glad that he's getting help. Maybe we could be psych buddies ^_^

I can't wait until school starts back up again. I love my parents, don't get me wrong, but I want to be "independent" again. In charge of cleaning my own apartment, in charge of cleaning, in charge of my own schedule, in charge of worrying about getting things done on time without the help or reminding of others. Is it weird that I thrive under heavy stress? Honestly, it's harder for me to deal with stress when I'm having "relaxing" time during the summer than when I'm stressed out to the max during school. ...The feeling that I'm not be a productive member of society and all that shit. *shrug* The psych doesn't think it's weird.

Speaking of the psych, I know that it was completely on accident, but when I was in his office today, I sat on one of the chairs and he sat on the couch and, because he did, he was lower than I was. As in, our eye levels didn't match up and mine was higher than his. It was really odd because I felt more comfortable speaking to him given that I was in a more "authoritative" position than he was. Usually when you speak to a doctor or a professional, you as the client sit below them, or they stand while you sit. I know it's a stupid primordial psychological ploy to be excited about, but it made me feel more comfortable with him that he'd be "willing" to "submit" to me when I'm being so open and "weak" with him. *shrug*

He has me so utterly confused, but I know in the end I'm just going to end up hurt again. I know he's just stringing me along. Everything feels fine when we're together, but as soon as he leaves he feels like it's all wrong. He's in love with the idea of "us", not me. He's in the love with the idea of "someone", but that someone isn't me.

That someone is still him. And I wanna fucking blow my brains out for it.

I honestly just want to be loved by someone. I want to be loved by my own self, too. I want to feel worthy of someone else and of myself. I don't want to feel guilty and shameful anymore.

The expectations I hold for myself and my life have always been set too high and too far above the achievable level, and this fact, as I slowly come to realize it, and realize the failure I'm going to have to accept, is going to slowly kill me. ...In a metaphorical way, of course.

...I shouldn't be allowed to type entries when I'm this tired. I get all depressed and shit.

I have a lot to update about.

*sigh*

It's a bad sign when I don't have time to update my fucking online journal because it'll interfere with the time I want to use to exercise and plan out calories.

Yeah, yeah, we're getting help.